My "baby" turned one today. It was a great day. I can't believe how far we've come and how much has happened in one short year. One year ago to this moment, I was sitting in my hospital room waiting to go see my baby in the NICU. One year ago, at this moment, I was terrified like I've never been before, and hopefully ever will be again. We've gone from a horrible pregnancy, a scary birth, NICU stay, breastfeeding problems, colic, hypoallergenic formula, teething nightmares, clingy baby syndrome, and waking up every couple hours through the night, to a relatively happy, cute, fun and playful "toddler". Sometimes, I wish I had my little baby back, then I remember everything we've been through to get here, and I realize I'm happy exactly where I am, right now. I love you my baby boy! Can't wait to see what the next year has in store.
I feel disgusted with myself. I remember when I was a child it seemed that I could never do anything right by my parents. Well now, I'm starting to feel that way with my husband. I just can't win, and I just can't shake this funk that I'm in. We fight about money all the time. I spend money foolishly, I know, and I have to get a grip on myself but he's so hard on me. I also know that money has been tight since I've been off work and it will be a while until we catch back up. I'm also knowledgeable that we are going to Paris in a few week and we need to save some spending money. But ... He has to understand that it's my baby's first birthday and I want to celebrate! We've been so fortunate that everything turned out well in our lives when it could have been totally opposite. I want to acknowledge that and celebrate his little life so far. All I get is grief. It sucks. I got so upset today that I cut up my own bankcard and told him that at least that way we would have no reason to fight anymore.
The stupidest part about this whole thing is that I don't really care all that much. I know that sounds off because I just vented about it but it's true. I'm mad, because that how I should feel but I don't really care. Unfortunately, there's many things in my life right now that I just don't care about. I think what's happening is that when my mom was sick and dying I put up walls around myself to protect me and now that she's gone, I'm having a hard time taking the walls down. I'm numb. Most of the time I just do things and I don't really care. It feels weird. Maybe this is the new me. The calm, non-crying, emotionless me. I guess only time will tell.
I'm back now in my old rotation, same as I was a year and a half ago when I started this adventure. It is amazing what has changed and even more amazing what has stayed the same. So many things need to be changed in the wonderful world of nursing. Still overworked with too many patients, not enough staff, not enough room, and honestly, too many bosses. In the end though, I'm darn happy to be back, no kids, no chores, no house to clean and mist importantly ... other adults to talk to. Yay!!
... and I cannot wait. I have his invitations all made and they're soooo cute!! Here's the front picture
The finished card says "This little monster is turning one" on the front and then inside it says "Come watch the destruction" and the birthday info. This is also his Halloween costume. Gotta love Costco.
I'm making his cake and all the treats. He has a few little friends coming and the rest are family. I think it's going to be pretty fun.
Another exciting side dish to this post .... I think I'm going to PARIS in a few weeks. OMG!!! Scott has a business trip there and there's no way he's going without me - LOL! I really just have to come up with the flight and spending money. YAY!!!!
And lastly - I'm back to work tomorrow. Maternity leave is officially over and it's time to go back to the grind. Blah! But oh well. The wage difference between me working and me being on EI is huge so it will be nice come payday.
Well that's it for my all over the place post today.
It's been a busy few weeks in my life. My mom's funeral was on the 3rd. It was beautiful and she would have been so happy to be honored the way she was. After that, in my grief, the days turned one into the other. This thanksgiving weekend, the family and I took off for Calgary to get away from it all. We had a great time. My in-laws and I took the kids to the zoo in Saturday, and Scott and I then took them to calaway park (amusement park) yesterday. They had so much fun!!!
We stayed at Scott's brothers house. They have a new baby and she's so sweet. Sweet little Emily is 2 weeks old. I think I'm getting very anxious to have another one. Now we're on our way home. Kaylee is coming back with the in-laws and Dax is having a great nap.