Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Completely defeated

I feel disgusted with myself. I remember when I was a child it seemed that I could never do anything right by my parents. Well now, I'm starting to feel that way with my husband. I just can't win, and I just can't shake this funk that I'm in. We fight about money all the time. I spend money foolishly, I know, and I have to get a grip on myself but he's so hard on me. I also know that money has been tight since I've been off work and it will be a while until we catch back up. I'm also knowledgeable that we are going to Paris in a few week and we need to save some spending money. But ... He has to understand that it's my baby's first birthday and I want to celebrate! We've been so fortunate that everything turned out well in our lives when it could have been totally opposite. I want to acknowledge that and celebrate his little life so far. All I get is grief. It sucks. I got so upset today that I cut up my own bankcard and told him that at least that way we would have no reason to fight anymore.

The stupidest part about this whole thing is that I don't really care all that much. I know that sounds off because I just vented about it but it's true. I'm mad, because that how I should feel but I don't really care. Unfortunately, there's many things in my life right now that I just don't care about. I think what's happening is that when my mom was sick and dying I put up walls around myself to protect me and now that she's gone, I'm having a hard time taking the walls down. I'm numb. Most of the time I just do things and I don't really care. It feels weird. Maybe this is the new me. The calm, non-crying, emotionless me. I guess only time will tell.

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