Sunday, January 30, 2011

Just nothing

I'm sitting here at my in-laws place doing pretty much nothing. Scott's grandma is in from out of town so we were invited for dinner. Yay! No cooking for me. Everyone is playing cards but I was late so I'm not playing. I was at a baby massage class. It was pretty fun and I even got to meet a few other moms. Daxon cried the whole time which is expected of him anyway. He's now laying in his bouncy chair about to fall asleep. It is so peaceful watching a baby go to sleep. It is one of my favorite things.

I want to start going to church again. I used to go every Sunday but since I met Scott I have not gone once. Daxon is going to be baptized in 3 weeks and really wanted to go to church at least once before then. Today was going to be the day I stepped out of my comfort zone and went. I had kaylee all ready to go - then I looked at the temperature -40C. Nope. Not going. I know I was really looking for any excuse not to go. I'm scared. Maybe next week.

I've been working on some posts that have to do with my past. Some of it is quite painful. Eventually I will get them out. It has been therapeutic for me to write them.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Still sick

I ended up bringing Dax and Kaylee to the doctor yesterday - for 2 completely different reasons. Dax has a cough and I just wanted to get it checked. His cough is fine but turns out he has an ear infection. Poor guy - that was the last thing I thought he had. He's now on antibiotics. I hate to give him medication so young but it's better to be safe than sorry when it comes to their little ears.

I brought Kaylee to the doctor because about 2 weeks ago right after dinner she came to me and said that her chin area was completely numb. Being the nice mom that I am of course I thought she was exaggerating so I pinched her chin. She really had no feeling. I feel quite bad because I pinched quite hard. She then let me know that this had been going on for a few months (she just figured it wasn't anything serious). 2 nights ago she had another "episode" where her tongue went numb. That was enough for me. Doctor Courtney actually thinks that she may be having migraines. Hmmm - interesting thought. She's sending Kaylee to a neurologist to hopefully get some definitive answers. In any case I know faces just don't go numb for no reason. I just hope that it isn't something serious. On top of migraines it could also be a sign of a more serious illness such as seizures. I just hope we get the appointment quickly and everything comes back fine.

I got my prescription for my blood pressure pills refilled but didn't tell her that I'm no longer taking my birth control pills. I know in the end it's my decision but I didn't want to explain everything in front of Kaylee. I feel so much better now that I don't take them anymore. No more crazy lady for me. I can deal with lifes curveballs, Dax's crying and even Kaylee's tantrums without totally breaking down and wanting to end it all. It was getting very scary in my head for a little while there. I'm glad I figured out the problem before going to the doctor and getting medicated for depression. Not that I have any problem with medication - I just prefer not to take them unless it's totally necessary. My take on quitting the pill is that we will be as careful as possible and if we get pregnant - well we get pregnant and have another baby. I want to have at least one more baby. I think Scott does too. I would like to have them fairly close together but we'll see. I'd really like my body to get over this last (horrible) pregnancy before I have to endure another.

I have time to think about this anyway.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Sick, sick, sick

I'm really tired of being sick, or my kids being sick, or my husband being sick. This winter has been especially hard on us in the illness department. We even all got the flu shot (except Dax of course but should have gotten the antibodies through my milk).

It all started with that darn flu shot. Kaylee and I got it and a couple days later I got sick. Very sick. The ended up being induced right in the middle of the worst cold of my life. It's so hard to give birth went you have body aches, sore throat, headache, ear ache and can't breathe through your nose. It was not a great experience.

Then Scott got that same cold just days after Daxon's birth and was banned from the NICU. That was sad and made it extra hard on me that I had to spend all that time there by myself. He's had a few since then too and continues to go to work even though he's sick - bad boy!

Kaylee has had 4 colds this winter and has had to miss more school in December/January than she has in all her other school years combined.

Daxon is only 3 months old and he's already had 2 colds. Poor guy. He's a trooper though and doesn't usually seem too bothered by it. Except last night. He was up from 1-4:45. He just has this little cough and when he has a coughing fit - he wakes himself up. Then wakes me up because he wants to be re-wrapped. It was a rough night.

Now - I'm sick again. Thanks a lot Daxon! I'm sure this one is from you - which you got from Kaylee last week, and now I will probably give it to Scott next week ....

The crappy thing about being sick when you are a wife and a mom is that no one really cares how sick you are. You still have all your same responsibilities. Funny thing is ... when they (kids, husband) are sick the whole world revolves around them. That's ok - I wouldn't have it any other way.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Feeling horrible

I feel so sad. I really goofed up when I said that I was back to my boring old life again. Words like that are just asking for trouble. I feel just horrible. Remember the post where I introduced my little nephew and that he was in the NICU, well we now know why ...
It is because he has severe brain damage due to lack of oxygen at birth. I guess he had a bowel movement during the birth process and he had the cord wrapped around his neck twice and of course he was born in an ambulance.

I don't have a lot of information yet but from what my brother says he has severe damage to the motor function areas of the brain. I really don't know much more than that. My brother just says he has been diagnosed with cerebral palsy. I'm devastated. My whole family is. I look at my son and truly realize what a gift I have. My son had a true knot in his cord that if it would have tightened just a little more ... My son had the cord wrapped around his neck twice ... My son did not breathe right away ... My son had to be intubated ... Any one of those things happening could have had devastating consequences. I really am blessed.

I'm having lunch with Cory, Shelley and my mom - Leona. Then I'm going to the hospital to see the little guy.

Please pray for my brother and his little family.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Nothing new

Well I guess I'm back to my boring old life again. That's ok - I like it.

It's been so cold out that we haven't been going anywhere. It's -32 C this morning. Brrr!! But it's suppose to warm up by this afternoon and get beautiful by the weekend (+1 C - yay!!). There is a winter festival here in the city for the next 2 weeks and it will be really nice to get outside with Daxon. We did venture out to the mall yesterday just to get out of the house. Today, we have a coffee date with a friend and her 9 month old baby. Should be fun. Can't wait to actually have an adult conversation face to face with someone other than my husband.

Back to a post from last week - we never did go out on a "date night" :0( I was sad but issues came up and that's just how life is ... Hopefully this weekend we can. I explained to Scott yesterday that I just want to go out for a meal. No cooking and no cleaning up after. Mmmmm - sounds so nice!

Dax is doing decently on the new milk. He's adjusting and so are we. I think that the hypoallergenic milk really did help his colic because it's back on a bit of a smaller scale now. Plus he is now 3 months old (happy birthday buddy!) which is the magic number for colic to disappear (ok - anytime now please!). I hope he gets better soon as I'm not willing to switch his formula back (the other stuff was gross!!).

Kaylee is doing well. I think she's getting the hang of big sister now and the fact that she has to share me. Hopefully her attitude continues to improve. I've had to break out the 'timeout corner' again and it seems to be effective. I hate to place an 8 year old in timeout but it was getting to the point where we would just yell at each other. I'm trying to put aside some time just for her everyday but that's hard right now because Scott has been working late and Dax has been a little extra cranky. I will continue to try ...

Monday, January 17, 2011

Random Pictures

He's starting to like his bumbo chair more and more.
He still has a bit of a bobble head but the more he sits up, the better it's getting!
A little tummy time - that he hates!
(he started screaming about 2 seconds after this picture was taken)

Kaylee carrying around her little brother and helping mom out too!

Trying out the new highchair.
Mom can't wait to start feeding me 'real' food!!
Mom, Kaylee and Dax out in the cold.
First sleigh ride!
Kaylee and Dax hanging out

Mom - I'm wayyyy too tired for tummy time ....

Finish it off with a great big toothless grin!!

Secret's out ... Oops

My bad ... I never told anyone in my personal life (except my babycenter friends - who I adore BTW) about this blog. Well I was "playing with fire" yesterday and though I would type a quick post before Scott woke up but Dax started fussing so I had to leave it suddenly. Of course, I forgot to click out and when Scott got up - he seen it and asked me what it was. I could have lied but really - what's the point. I just write pretty random thoughts and feelings about me and my days. It's just that I wasn't sure if I wanted him to read it yet. Now I know he said he wouldn't read it ... But I were him - I totally would.

So note to Scott - if you do read this and I know you will ... Please let me know. It's ok even though you said you wouldn't. I won't be mad. Deep down I wanted to you to know about it and read it. I've kind of wanted to tell you for a while but didn't know how. Now you know and its ok. I love you :0)

Anyway ...
I think I need to start working out. I didn't really feel all that well over the weekend and I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I don't do anything anymore. Before I got pregnant I was working out 3-5 times a week and was on a pretty strict diet. Now I eat every and anything and would probably need to call an ambulance if I tried to jog around the block. I was trying to ask for a refund for the remaining of my weight loss program but it would really be anything so I didn't bother. I'm secretly happy because that program (U-weight loss) worked wonderfully for me when I was doing it. I lost 20 pounds in 7 weeks. It was fanstastic! I'm a little excited to start it again. I really do want to be able to rock a bikini someday (even if its only in my backyard).
I also miss the gym. I felt really good when I was working out. I had more energy and I loved the little bit of "me" time that it gave me. Daxon is almost 3 months old now ... No more excuses! I want to go to Arizona in a few months and I don't want to have major jelly belly like I do now. Yuck! My belly is so gross!!!

My brother and his girlfriend had their baby on the weekend. He's in the NICU right now. He's fine as far as we know. He was delivered in the ambulance on the way to the city from the town they live in. What a rush that would have been!! His name is Jason Paul - and he's soooo tiny 5 lbs 12 oz. That's a whole pound less than Dax was and he was over 3 weeks early. He had some difficulties breathing and now has apnea because they didn't have all the right equipment in the ambulance to help suction him out properly. He's agitated, high pulse rate, high respiratory rate, low oxygen perfusion, shaky, and cries constantly. :0( makes me sad. I really do hope that everything turns out well for little Jason. Please pray for little Jason if that's what you do and if not could you just please think some happy and healing thoughts for him and his future.
What a cute little guy, He even stopped crying long enough
for me to take a few pictures of him! Loves his auntie already!!

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Milk Change

We ended up going for it and changing his milk. I was really torn but in the end we felt it was the best thing to do. We went half and half for 4 bottles then changed right over. He likes the taste much better and is eating more at every feed. His burps also don't seem as wet (likes he's spitting up then swallowing it) and he only got the hicups once yesterday instead of after every feed. He was a little gassy and cried for about an hour last night but went to bed well and slepr from 8:30-5:15 (except one wake up for his sucky at around 2), and then back to sleep until 8. Considering I thought he would have this major belly ache and be up all night, I am pretty happy. He's having a pretty good nap right now and I hope that he continues to do well today.

It's Sunday already ... Sigh.

Saturday, January 15, 2011


I'm in a bit of a pickle. Im fighting with myself over Daxon's formula choices. Our doc says that there probably isn't any reason to be on a hypoallergenic formula like he is right now. But ... He has been good on this formula - sleeps well, doesn't eat too well (it tastes awful), but is still eating enough that he's gaining good weight, he hardly cries and he's a relatively happy baby. The cost is killing us! I know it's worth it if he needs it but we don't know if he really needs it. So the dilemma is whether to try his on a regular milk and see how it goes or just ride it out until he starts solids and then try to switch. Also, if we switch - should it be to a lactose-free or just plain old cow's milk formula.

What to do ... What to do?? Here I am - second guessing myself over and over again. I wish these little guys came with instruction manuals. I don't want to hurt him. Scott probably thinks I am nut because I just can't decide. I make a decision, then change it, and then change it again, then go back to the original decision, then change it again ... etc ... etc ... etc ... Arg!! I hate this!! :0(

Friday, January 14, 2011

Just another day...

Not much going on around here. Daxon's appointment yesterday went as well as can be expected. I gave him Tylenol before and it was perfectly timed. He cried like a baby (cause that's what he is - lol). I wonder if it brought back memories from all the needle pokes in the NICU. Other than that he came home and napped on and off for a few hours, ate well and was in pretty good spirits. At about 7ish he looked to be in some pain and was starting to run a little fever so I gave him more Tylenol. He slept an hour and then got up, watched dad and I bottle the beer we brewed a couple weeks ago, ate, and happily went back to bed. He slept from 9pm to 7:20am. Yay!

Kaylee is sick today. There is an outbreak of norovirus going around the city and I hope she doesn't have this. It causes nausea, cramps, vomiting and diarrhea. So far she only has the nausea and cramps. On a note about the outbreak - boy am I glad not to be at work through this. I guess my home unit is one that has been quarantined at the hospital. Everyone working there has to wear gowns, gloves and masks all day. Nooooo thank you!! Those are so hot. I had good timing with my baby making as I've missed two outbreaks on my unit so far.

Scott is also sick but he has a cold. It's a bad one. We've all had it - he is the last. Unfortunately it's a really busy time for him at work and he has not been able to take any time off to recover. I hate that he has to go to work because I HATE people who go to work sick!! I've given him hell more than once this week for continually going to work. There are other people at his office that are sick right now and they are staying home! He should be too. However if he's home - he'll expect me to look after him...

Spoke too soon ... Kaylee's puking now. Gonna be a long day!

Thursday, January 13, 2011


Daxon has his 2 month immunizations today. A little late, I know. I've been dreading this day for a while now as I will dread the upcoming ones. This one though, is the worst. I hate putting anything unnecessary in my body and especially my children's bodies. It makes me sick to know that I am voluntarily putting 5 viruses into my son today. I know it's for the best, blah, blah, blah... I still hate it (I would hate for him to get whooping cough or measles etc... more). I hope he doesn't get too sick. Kaylee had horrible reactions when she was a baby so I'm a little extra worried. At least that paper about the MMR and autism has been recalled. I never really put too much stock into it but it always sits in the back of my brain.

On another topic, I had a pretty good day yesterday. I had a little "chat" with a very special lady who has tons of faith and I think she may have shared a bit with me yesterday. I needed that. Thank you! You really are a wonderful person. You have no idea how much you lifted up my heart and my spirit.

I think my hubby may take me out somewhere this weekend. I hope so. I'd love to have a date night with him. I miss that. I miss just being happy and carefree. Darn hormones! I hate the way I feel sometimes. I yell more often and can sometimes just be mean. Poor Kaylee. I really need to shape up - She's crafting her future self right now and my behavior will have an impact on that. It makes me sad to know that she's going to remember the way I am right now. I hope that she doesn't look back and think "I'm never going to be like my mom". I'm at a loss right now with how to handle myself. I hope that my good day yesterday is the start of a new trend.

Dax hardly slept past 2 am last night. It sucked. Especially when the past 2 or so weeks he's been sleeping 6-9 hours straight. Tonight will probably be bad too. We'll see. Bring on the Tylenol for my babe and hopefully he won't have the high fevers and febrile seizures Kaylee has after her shots!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Just trying it out

I'm trying out picasa to see if it makes posting pictures easier ... so far I must give it a big YES!

Yay! You will all be sick of all the pictures soon.
Posted by Picasa

This was funny

My hubby is no good with smelly things. This is what I was treated to while in the tub. I was going to come out to rescue but decided to record it instead.

Rough couple days

Its been tough the past few days. I won't lie - I think I have PPD. It sucks. I want to be happy. I want to have a good day. I wake up every morning with high hopes and in a good mood. I usually sleep well at night and that's thanks to my son who usually sleeps well at night also. I go through my days relatively the same (see previous post) until I hit a snag. It can be anything - Kaylee acting up or Daxon crying too much or even something else like yesterday when I heard that my health benefits are on hold for now until my employer can renegotiate our plan. Doesn't matter what it is ... I can't handle it. I can't handle anything anymore. If it sends me off my groove then I'm a mess. I start thinking and get upset over things that I can't change. Things like Daxon being born early because I couldn't keep my body under control, and I couldn't breastfeed because he was in the hospital and was given a bottle first and really just liked it too much (I still feel that if I just tried a little harder...). That last one is really hard still because he's on a very expensive formula and really if I just kept pumping ... See I'm doing it again.
Sigh.... Maybe I'll go see my doc. Nah... I'll keep trying to work it out on my own - I really don't feel like leaving my house again today.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

And one rolls into the next...

My last few days(weeks)have been pretty much repeats of one another. I feel like I'm in the movie groundhog day. I wake up each morning and think ... Hmmm - what am I going to do today? Oh yeah - I'm going to change my baby, feed my baby, get my big girl ready and out the door for school, play with my baby, put my baby in his swing for a nap, grab a coffee, surf the Internet, change my baby, feed my baby, bring baby into the bathroom in his bouncy chair so I can brush my teeth and shower, play with my baby, put my baby down for a nap, make some lunch, then eat it, do a little cleaning, change my baby, feed my baby, play with my baby, put my baby in his swing for a nap, welcome my big girl home from school, get her a snack, do homework, change my baby, feed my baby, bring baby into the kitchen in bouncer and make dinner, welcome hubby's home from work, eat dinner, watch tv, play with baby, have bath on my own for 10 minutes, bring baby in with me and bath him, change baby, feed baby, put baby in crib for night, get big girl ready for bed and into bed, get myself ready for bed, lay in bed and play on iPad or phone and fall asleep way too early. That's my day - one after another, after another and so on.

I need a vacation.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Daxon's birth and NICU stay

     Daxon was born at almost full term. He missed it by just over a day. I don't know if that day would have made a difference or not and I guess I will never know. For a while after his birth I questioned myself everyday - Was there ANYTHING I could have done differently? I came up with a million and one ways but will once again never know if I was right.
     On Tuesday (October 19th) I went for my prenatal visit with a different doctor as mine was away on holidays. My blood pressure was up and I was retaining a lot of water and had gained 6 lbs in 6 days. OB thought that I was developing hellp syndrome so sent me to the hospital for observation overnight and induction in the morning.
     At 9:10 am on October 20th they placed the cervadil in and I had only 2 contractions the first hour. Got up and walked for an hour and had back pains and some contractions but nothing regular. Hooked me up to the monitor for another half hour and only had a few little contractions. Walked a little and they started to become more regular. About 12 they started coming at about 3-4 mins apart but weren't very strong. Checked me at 1 and I was 3 cm and 80% so they took the cervadil out and sent me over to the labour and delivery ward.
     Got to the L & D ward at 2pm and they started an iv as I was gbs + and started getting the meds for that. At about 2:30 were going to start the pitocin but the anesthesiologist was going into surgery in a half hour for 2 or more hours so I decided to get the epidural then. It was great and I hardly felt a thing. Contractions pretty much stopped after that and the pitocin was started. Laboured for the next few hours without a worry in the world. Baby was tolerating the contractions just fine and I hardly felt anything. Water was broke at 5:20 and was 4cm and 100%. At 8 I was checked again and was 5 cm but labour had pretty much stopped again. Turned up the pitocin and contractions started again at 1-2 mins and were very strong but still painless.
     At 9 I all of a sudden started to get sensation in my right side only. It was horrible. The pains were searing and so strong but only on the one side. I suddenly got the urge to push and was checked again and was 10cm and ready to go but the baby was still really high. OB said I should wait a little to push because of how high he was and she didn't want me to tire out but the contractions were so painful and the urge so strong she let me do a couple practice pushes and I brought him right down. She gowned up and I did small grunty pushes until she was ready. Started actual pushes and he was born in 2 contractions and 6 minutes. I ended up with 2degree tear and just a few stitches but only because the was born with his hand next to his head. His cord was around his neck twice and he had a true knot in the cord also (pretty rare and can be very dangerous). All the doctors stopped and stared at it for a minute.
      Daxon Bauer Ehrmantraut was born on October 20, 2010 at 9:29 pm. He weighed 6lbs, 12oz and was 19 incles long.
     Day 1
Right after Daxon was born he was placed on my chest and I knew immediately that something was wrong. He wasn't crying and he was very grunty. They left him there and was rubbing him and trying to stimulate him for about a minute. I could hear them say that they had to call in the NICU team. They took him off me and brought him to the table to work on him. I sent Scott over to watch him because I don't think he really knew who to be with - Daxon or me. I didn't really know exactly what was going on because the doctor was busy cleaning and stitching me up but I remember trying to look beyond them to see my little boy. I became more and more concerned as he still wasn't really crying. My husbabd said it was the scariest thing that he has had to endure in his life so far. I was just mad at him for not taking pictures - lol. After 15 or so minutes it was decided that it would be best if Daxon was taken to the NICU to try and figure out his breathing issues. Scott carried my little boy to me and placed him in my arms. I had him long enough to take one look and snap one picture and then they took him from me and out of the room.
     I was cleaned up and I showered and was brought to my room on the post partum unit. We were told that we had to wait an hour then we could go down to see Daxon. It was the longest hour ever. I remember thinking very bad things in that hour (ended up being much longer by the time I was done showering, being transfered, and received into care in my new room). I finally went into see my sweet little boy at 11:30 that night. I was so scared. There were so many rules. We had to call the unit from my room to see if it was ok to come in. Then when we got down to the unit we had to call again (1847 I will always remember that number). Once we were given the go ahead to come in we had to wash our hands then sanitize them. I was shaking so badly - all I wanted to do was cry. This couldn't be happening to me, it only happened to other people. We stood there and looked around. We didn't even know where to go. Finally someone came and got us and took us to our baby. He was so precious.

     They told us that they really didn't know what the problem was but they were doing tests and had him on a CPAP (continuous positive airway pressure) machine in the meantime. I just sat there and watched him sleep. He was hooked up to so many wires and machines. I was so scared to touch him. He was breathing so fast. His respiratory rate was between 100-150 breaths per minute. He still looked so blue. It was heartbreaking. There was not much more for us to do that night and the nurses were still working on him so I went back to my room and Scott went home to sleep. I had to be back early for doctor rounds in the morning.
     Day 2
I had the worst sleep of my life that night. It was terrible. The nurse told me not to worry about pumping breastmilk that night and just to get my rest. I got up at 5am to go see him because there was not much else for me to do since I wasn't sleeping anyway. When I got down they told me that there was no change overnight and he was still stable. I watched him sleep for a while then I left for shift change at 6am. When I came back for rounds I got to meet Daxon's doctor, Dr. Sankaran. He was absolutely wonderful and was so good at explaining everything to me. They did x-rays, bloodwork and blood gases and still could not figure out what the problem with his breathing was. He told me that they were going to continue to monitor him and hopefully soon the answers would appear. I started pumping for him every 3 hours today but he was not given the milk yet.
     Kaylee was allowed to come in today to see Daxon for the first (and only) time. It was really hard on her and she was really upset that he wasn't able to come home with us and that she was not allowed to see him again.

Daxon's NICU Stay Part II

     Day 3
Today was the hardest day of my life. On nights one of the residents had an idea to do a special film on an x-ray to see if it would show what they thought the problem was (but couldn't find proof of). On rounds this morning we were told that Daxon had a pneumothorax. This is when a small amount of air excapes the lungs and gets trapped in the lining of the lung. This makes it so that the lung is not able to expand properly and then you cannot take a deep breath (why his resp rate was so high). This is simply treated with plain oxygen (they had been using the Cpap which is NOT the right way to treat this). They removed all the hardware for the Cpap and we able to finally get a good look at our little guy.
     Dr. Sankaran explained that they were going to try out this treatment for a while and then reassess him in the afternoon.
     At afternoon rounds they took x-rays to see if the pneumothorax was going down and that is when they realised that his other lung was starting to collapse. Basically what happened was that because of him being a late pre-term baby and his rapid breathing rate for such a long time and that it took so long for them to figure out the right treatment he had used up all the surfactant in his lungs (this is a soapy type of thing that is in your lungs that keep the airways from sticking together). His gestational age came into play with this because it is only produced by babies starting in the 35-36th week of gestation so he didn't have a lot to work with to begin with. We were told that he would probably be able to work through this within about a week with no intervention but there were no guarantees. The other option was to have him intubated and treated with artificial surfactant. For me this was the door that I just couln't walk through. I remember thinking the whole time that everything was going to be ok as long as he was never intubated and now they wanted to do just that. I was so torn and absolutely terrified. In the end I looked at Scott to make the decision and he chose to go with the intubation. I have never been so scared in my life and I don't think I really relaxed until that tube was gone. We went and said goodbye and I really thought that I would never see my son alive again.
     Of course that wasn't the case and when we were called back into his room his color was much better and his O2 sats were nice and high for the first time. I was sad but it was for the best.
He just looked so much more comfortable and knew the minute I seen him that Scott had made the best choice.
     Day 4
During rounds today it was decided that the breathing tube was to stay in and he was to continue to be treated with surfactant. Daxon was also ordered a sedative because he was getting very adgitated during the day. My mommy intuition kicked in and I begged the doctor to start feeding him. He was already 4 days old and I was sure that he was hungry. I was also pumping every 2-3 hours around the clock and wanted to know that it wasn't for nothing. He was ordered 5ml every 3 hours to be increased by 2ml as toterated. They fed him a few hours later and I was right - the sadative was never needed. He calmed right down and would be good until about a half hour before his next feed. It was such a relief. His bilirubin levels were taken today and they were elevated so Daxon ended up on a bili-blanket and got the cool shades to go with it.

This was also the day that I was discharged from the hospital. It was very difficult to leave the hospital without my baby. I cried all the way home.

Daxon's NICU stay part III

     Day 5
Scott caught the cold that I had when I gave birth so he was not allowed anywhere near the NICU. Today was pretty much the same as the day before, only difference was that Daxon's oxygen needs were lowered and the settings on his ventolator were changed so that he was virtually breathing on his own. He was given his last dose of surfactant today. The bili-blanket was still on and I just hung out and watched him all day.
     Day 6
My days were so busy now that I was home. I would get up in the morning, get Kaylee up and ready for school and leave the house with her by 7:30am to bring her to school and go to the hospital in time for rounds. Today I got to see Dax for the 5 minutes it takes for the doctor (Dr. Wonko was on today) to tell me that they are not going to extubate him today and that they are going to treat him with Dexamethasone instead. That's how I found out that he was a hard intubation and they were worried that there could be some damage and swelling from the tube. Of course just one more thing for me to worry about. Daxon's oxygen needs were decreased again today and he was virtually breathing room air on his own through the ventolator. I think that is what made it so much harder that he still had that darn tube down his throat. It made this day very hard and I cried almost all day. I had the social worker come talk to me because they were quite worried about me.

     Day 7
Came into the hospital to get ready for rounds when Dorothy (social worker) came and found me. She gave me a hug and told me that she had just peeked in on Dax and he had no breathing tube!! I was over the moon. The emotional roller coaster that one rides while their baby is in the hospital is like no other. It is breathtaking and absolutely terrifying. From the lowest lows in the darkest places in your soul to the happiest moments imaginable. It's just amazing the emotions that a human can feel.   I went in and everyone stopped to look at me and the sheer joy that radiated out of me. Dr. Sankaran started talking but I remember stopping him and telling him to wait while I took a few pictures. They all waiting patiently.
This was the first time I got to see my precious little guy without anything on his face. He had a bit of a rash from the tape that held the breathing tube in place but other than that it was the cutest little face ever. They also took off the bili-blanket so he did not have to wear the shades again today. I reluctantly left after our rounds were over but couldn't wait to go back in.
    Once rounds were over Dax was being transfered to a cot rather than the incubator and while they did the switch I got to hold him for the first time since the 30 seconds I got after his birth. Yay!!
I also got to feed my little guy for the first time today too and they took the arterial line out of his tibia. It was such a big day for the both of us. I finally was able to breathe just a little bit easier. We were moved from the sickest bay (#2) with one on one nursing to another one where he had a 2:1 nursing ratio. There was a lot less room there but it meant that he was getting better and the sooner that happened the sooner we all got to go home together. Scott came in to see him before he made his move and fed him for the first time.
He still had a bit of the cold left over so he wore a mask to try to avoid getting the little ones sick.

He had such a good appetite and he was up to full feeds already and was eating my breastmilk faster than I could pump it. It was such a great day.
     Day 8
Unfortunately Dax's bili levels came up just a bit today but not enough to make him have to go back on the blanket. All his IV's and monitors were discontinued so there was nothing left to hold me back from holding him (other than the fact that he needed his rest). He was moved to the back room where it was nice and quiet and we had much more room to move around. I tried to breastfeed but his suck was very weak and he just didn't want to work for his food. It didn't go well at all and I was heartbroken but I continued to pump around the clock. I was only able to stay one bottle ahead of his feeds and he needed to be supplemented every morning before I got there with more. Dr. Sankaran told us that as long as his bili levels didn't go up too much that we should be able to go home tomorrow.

Daxon's NICU stay Part IV

     Day 9
Daxon bili came up again today so we were in waiting mode at the NICU. They didn't want to send us home with the weekend approaching and the bilirubin continuing to increase. There would have been no way for his levels to be checked on the weekend and they wanted to see them decreasing at least a little before discharge. Dr Sankaran told me that if I could find someone to check his bili levels on Saturday he would let us go home. I tried my family doctor, health nurse and several other doctors and they all told be the same thing. No matter what - the results wouldn't be in until monday. I was pretty upset. I felt like a rabbit with the carrot dangling just out of my reach - you can bring your baby home if you can do this, this and that .... but there was no way to make it happen.
     We just hung out for the day and took it easy.
Daddy holding his little monkey

     Day 10
We went into the NICU this morning just hoping and praying that the bili levels were at least slightly decreased. They were!!Yay! and because Dax was already 9 days old the chances of his levels increasing now that they showed a decrease were very low. It was discharge day with the promise of a doctor's visit on monday and a health nurse visit on Sunday. Everthing was set up, discharge teaching was done and we packed up our baby and out we went to start our adventure with tiny toes!

It was a roller coaster of intense emotions but we got our happy ending and wouldn't change anything!

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Do I or don't I?

I'm not sure what to do. I'm torn. On one hand I love my house as it's nice and open with lots of space. But there are many things that I don't like about it too. There is only 2 bedrooms upstairs so Kaylee had to move to the main floor. There's loads of stairs as it's a bi-level house. The backyard is landscaped for a retired couple with ponds, flower beds and a hot tub. The thing I like best about it is I already live here and that means I don't have to move. However, our house came with a big mortgage and a huge payment. Over half our monthly income goes to the house, taxes, insurance and utilities. Couple that with car pmts, food, toiletries, a new baby and the super expensive formula he's on and we're broke before we even get paid. I hate living paycheck to paycheck. Now for my dilemma. Do I push to move. The reason our house was so expensive is because of the neighborhood it's in. We could find a perfectly fine house in one of the surrounding towns for about 100k less. Well that's a big pmt change. Biggest downside - having to sell this one and move. I dunno what to do. Time for some soul searching or at least some good financial advice.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Making it pretty!

 I bought myself a new SLR camera last year and now that I have a new canvas (poor baby), I have been going crazy taking pictures.

Our Christmas pictures. These went out on our family's cards this year.

These are me trying out the settings on my camera. He just loves watching the "flutterflies"

Monday, January 3, 2011

The Last Year

2010 has been an interesting year for our family.

My mom was diagnosed with cancer. This has been really hard. As the medical person in the family, I was asked to attend all her appointments and give advice on the course of action. This was really hard on me but I did it anyway. Turns out she has melanoma (skin cancer) and the treatment would have only given her an 8% chance of prolonging her life by 1 year. My advice was no treatment as she was showing no signs of sickness and was feeling good. This is no longer the case. She is starting to show small signs that she is getting sick - nails chipping and lots of weight loss. It breaks my heart but I still hold strong that this is the best way for her to go - on her own terms and not those of chemotherapy.

Pregnancy - we had been trying since our wedding in June 2009 to get pregnant. I had been on depo-provera which is a birth control injection and it was taking it's sweet time exiting my body. Finally on March 5th(Kaylee's birthday) we got our positive pregnancy test. I felt pretty good at first and by our trip to Vegas at the end of March I had some pretty good morning sickness. I still enjoyed my trip though and the 24hour car trip both ways that went with it. Got back to work the second week in April and that is pretty much where things went really wrong. First shift back I had some bleeding and ended up in the ER. Everything was fine but was told to take it easy for a few days. My next shift after my rest went well and I was feeling great (so I thought) until about 11:00 that night. I started bleeding very heavily and we all got in the car and went to the ER. After a few hours of sitting there and not really getting any answers or anything we were sent home and told to come back in the morning for an ultrasound. Expecting the worst we went into the ultrasound knowing that our little bean was gone only to see a little beating heart and a little bouncing bean. We were so happy. That was the beginning of the very long and difficult journey to get our baby out. I was on bed rest, off work for the entire time, and ended up with uncontrolled blood pressure issues. I also had a week long hospital stay due to breathing issues from an allergic reaction to an antibiotic.

Birth and hospital stay - I'm not going to go into detail too much about this in this post as I think it deserves it own. I was induced due to high blood pressure and low platelets. Induction went well and I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. Due to breathing difficulties he ended up spending 9 days in the NICU and was intubated during that time. It was very scary and I have a new appreciation for the medical world.

My daughter has had some ups and downs this year and we are still trying to figure things out with her. Her whole world has changed in the past year and a half as she's moved to a new city, started a new school, gotten a new dad, had to endure my difficult pregnancy and now has a new brother. She's had some difficulties adjusting but we are working on it.

My marriage has been good and I'm very happy with how it has progressed. It's difficult some days as I feel like I try harder than he does but I only really see my side of the coin so it's hard to judge. He has put up with a lot from me in the last year and I love him so much for that.

Me - I think that since Daxon was born I may have a bit of post partum depression (another thing that Scott has had to deal with). There are days that I just can't see to be happy and all I want to do is cry. That is why I think that this blog is a good idea for me as it will allow me to share my thoughts and feelings. I don't have too many friends here in the city - or at all for that matter so it will be nice to let it all out.

I have great hopes for the new year!!