Everything was fine

Don't you just hate it when doctors call to tell you that everything is fine. Scares the hell out of me. Usually when they call I'm not home so they leave a message and then I'm all freaked out thinking I'm dying or something until I can talk to them. Stupid. Well anyway though, my doctors office just called to let me know all my thyroid levels are good and to keep going with what I'm doing. Thanks. I was gonna do that anyway. I thought "no news is good news". To me that implies that if I don't hear from you everything is good and I'll just keep going with what I'm doing until the next time I see you. Thanks anyways.

Not everything is exactly ok at this very moment though. I have a stomach bug. A horrible one. I can't even keep water down. Sucks. Dax got it 2 nights ago and I guess I'm the lucky #2 to get it. He only had it for a day so I'm hoping I wake up feeling all better.

The Doctor

I went for bloodwork yesterday to check on my thyroid levels and such. Today while I was at the funeral both my family doctor's office and my specialist called for me. I'm guessing the news isn't good?.....

A Time for Everything

To everything there is a season, and
a time to every purpose under heaven:

A time to be born, and
a time to die;
a time to plant, and
a time to pluck up
that which is planted;

A time to kill, and
a time to heal;
a time to break down, and
a time to build up;

A time to weep, and
a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and
a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and
a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and
a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get, and
a time to lose;
a time to keep, and
a time to cast away;

A time to rend, and
a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and
a time to speak;

A time to love, and
a time to hate;
a time of war; and
a time of peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

I have heard this verse twice in 5 months. Both are death from cancer.

My mom's funeral was at a church, with a priest and more people than the church could hold. I remember the priest saying that he has never seen so many people show up to a funeral in that parish. I still can't talk about it without breaking down.

Today, Kim's funeral was one that was so different. You could almost say it was unconventional. It was the saddest funeral I have ever been to. The reverend was his best friend, he cried the whole time. He had mostly friends there. They were all bikers, all brothers. The reverend didn't even know the words to the Our Father. He actually read it off the paper wrong. All the people who came to the front to talk, did so about all the parties they attended together. It was different, but it was beautiful. I held my biological mom tight as she said goodbye to her love, her soul-mate. It was heartbreaking. My heart is heavy and it hurts right now.

The 32 year old with a cane

That'll be me. I injured my knee at work a few weeks back and it's so painful.

I was bathing a patient at the bedside and I must have dropped some water on the floor. After I was done, I leaned over her to pull up the blankets and I slipped on the water. My right foot slipped out from under me and my left knee twisted and hyperextended. Instant pain and no weight bearing capabilities. Went straight to the ER at work and was told to go home and no work for a week. Went to my regular doctor and was taken off work for 2 more weeks and told to go to physiotherapy. Started physio and he thinks that's it cartilage damage along with some tears under the kneecap. It is so painful.

Now it's looking like surgery may be in my future.

Today though - I have to go get a cane to help me walk. I'm gonna look like an idiot. Not looking forward to it one bit. Maybe I can find a pink one .... I'll post a pick when I get one.

Baby Steps

That's what I'm taking right now. Baby steps.

I miss my mom terribly lately. It seems that since I've been off the anti-depressants, my ability to feel emotion is slowly returning and bringing with it the loss of my mother. I think though that it will someday bring me peace and closure.

Not today though. Today, my stepdad Kim passed away from cancer too. Today, is not a good day to look for peace in my soul. I feel terrible for Leona (my biological mom) and my sister (who lived with them and knew him way better than I did). Today, I feel raw and poisoned. Today, I hate, I am sad, and I am very mad.

Cancer. What a horrible joke to play on mankind. Lets give them technology, cell phones, food preservatives, fast food .... but then lets make it cause cancer too. Mean, cruel - not funny one bit. God, please don't let me ever get cancer and have my children feel the way I do right now.

Helpless.

I couldn't help her, there was no cure, no treatment that was worth taking, no hope. She got cancer and she died.

Helpless.

And then Kim, well he tried the treatment, the chemo that made him sick, the radiation that fried his brain and took him away well before the cancer could, the surgery that did nothing but cause him more pain. That is no cure, no treatment, no way to live your final days. He got cancer and he fought and he still died.

Helpless.

That is what cancer causes. Helplessness.

Maybe tomorrow, I can start to heal ... but today I am back at step 1. I will mourn.